Here We Go Again

For years, I have joined up on the Discovery site, enthused and excited about the possibilities of the new year, and wanting to start getting in shape before the warmer weather came. It always seemed to happen, though - I would peter out somewhere in the second week, being distracted by something or other, promising myself faithfully that I would catch up... I would allow myself this one cheat, and then work hard during the next few days to "erase" the calories or whatever. Never happened, of course. One cheat led to another and another, and by the fifth week I would have thrown my hands in the air in disgust at myself and quit. (With faithful promises again to myself that the next year would be different.)

This past year has seen me move by necessity halfway across the country, away from my beloved beaches and Los Angeles treks, and to the Midwest. Clinical depression has really caught up with me. The lack of pedestrian-friendly ANYTHING helped me gain thirty pounds within the first six weeks in February-March. I've shed a few, gained them back, shed again, gained them back. I've topped the scale with the heaviest I have been in my life only recently: 235.6 pounds. I have no energy, which the depression is adding its power behind. Most of my clothes don't fit, and I don't have the money to purchase new ones.

I have to lose weight to wear most of the clothes I have. I have to lose weight so I can stop huffing and puffing after just taking the laundry down to the laundry room. I have to lose weight so I can reach things, and fit into smaller spaces (which used to be absolutely no problem for me). I have to lose weight for my own confidence, and to help battle this lethargic numbness that is the depression. I have to lose weight so I feel as though I can walk into job interviews and wow the people.

Hopefully it will work this time. Hopefully, I won't go "oooh, shiny!" and wander off, because if I keep this up, I won't be able to move enough to wander off again.

Here's to raw determination that doesn't get stewed.